Das land des laecheln

a very long engagement

2005-02-28T20:29:00.000-08:00

the movie I have waited for almost 2 months gave me nothing but disappoint.
the movie the director had waited for ten years to make left him nothing but a long sigh.
I had to admit that as a french movie, a very long engagement has not failed in the slightest way to be beautiful and delicate. it has in every single way been sensitive and empathetic.
what it has failed to do,ironically, is to tell a love story in the simplistical way.
of course, the audiance will realise there is so much more than just a love story in the movie.
there we had the director decired the cruelty and ambuguilty of war and killing, a prostitute who might seem sluttish to most people but have the courage to defend her love., a husband who aksed his wife to sleep with his best friend in order to have the sixth child and hence to be excused from serving the army.
and of coures, our herion, Mathield,with an Amilie still lingering in her, with all her anxiety despair and hope surppressed, who despited all ends had never given up, and finally proved that her beloved fiancee was still alive.
I understand how the director was craving to make the last minute of the movie a magic sharing moment between the audience and himself, I know what he wanted to achieve when he made Mahield walk pass thar long corridor to reach that sunny garden from the parch where her fiancee could be seen. It was somewhat touching but a bit cliche when the movie ended with mathield sat beside mannech like an obidient wife and the narrator repeating
" then she looked at him, she looked at him.."
it was just wrong..
I do understand that from all the different stories we have come to realize love triumphed over everyting and anything. but there was just too much to digest and too much has been said.
and the stunning war scenes presented to us have just been a diversion from what really should have been emphasized--love and waiting.
I came out being disppointe and felt strongly for the director, I can tell though without truely experiencing how it would be like to wait for 10 years for some production. waiting is an ordeal, and this is especially true for passionate directors.
I have no idea in this ten years, he has ever changed his vision of the story, or he has changed his mind of what shoud be more significant behind the whole story, but I know for sure, waiting has made him over ambitious and cautious that it became a burden, both to him and to the audience.
maybe, there was just too much waiting.

failing two tests in one day

2005-02-21T23:05:00.000-08:00

I think I have failed both my physics and econs tests today.
I was competely devastated after econs test. basically what happened was: I was staring at my neighbour's script and he was staring at mine. and neither of us could produce a single point.I mean, a worthwhile one. I wrote almost 2 pages without having a clear clue of what was going on. I knew that there was this bunch of guys producing certain contention over how our happy life should be measured and if we are making progress. I wonder if they have done enough CIP in their school days.
sigh...
I dunno if I was too late to find out that I am actually quite stupid or, it is the way life is supposed to be: a gradual penetration of frustration into every single aspect of my life.
to surmise: what I have faced everyday when I step into school is just a mass-destruction of confidence and imagination.

I have failed my physics and econs tests. not becuase I am not being a good girl.

sense of security

2005-01-22T01:56:00.000-08:00

now I have come to realize the importance of sense of security which by and large comes from my self-confidence.
if I have once been rebelious and any sort close to that, that is because,I was confident.
I was confident that no matter how ridiculous and irresponsible I try to be, there would be no toll taken on me.
I was confident that, I was once rude, suck-up, callous,arrogant and selfish.
I was so in my comfort zone with my sense security.

Now I have lost them all.
I lost my sense of security and subsequently lost everything that is me.
I am courteous, modest, caring, responsible and everything but me.
I am a good girl, living a orderly life and trying to please everything around me but myself.

I kinda miss my sense of security.

how important am I to you?

2005-01-18T19:43:00.000-08:00

how important am I to you? I have never asked anyone this question. to me, there is no sound judgement even to the person who faces the question. unless it is the love the mother bestows on the new-born in her arms, we cannot call anything else unconditional, not even close.
how important am I to you?
it's like the siren of the train that leads me to egress the stifling and lonesome night.
like a salvation of a dead man from the eternity of seclusion.
how important am I to you?
like the feeling that without me you will be never be made complete.

dear darling thou, I don't believe so.

就这么一路飞过去，和我爱的不爱的以及2004告别

2004-12-30T01:44:00.000-08:00

很多人在写文学评论和影评的时候喜欢用焦虑这个词。大多数时候他们总会说 ” 将某某人的情感及焦虑得以升华和成长云云”
大多数时候我会认为这是一种伪专业的表现，对于我来说别人的作品若是可以理解到一半就好，像焦虑这种很个人的东西，只有本人才能有切实体会，至于大家很喜欢说什么一代人的焦虑，我觉得时间久了连本人都会觉得很模糊。今天的我真的很焦虑。
离上飞机还有六个小时，离离开家前往飞机场还有三个小时。
我现在真的很焦虑。

两个小时以前突然出门闯入重庆少有的气温在结冰点的冬天里，家附近有一家很不错的书店及音响店，我在一排新书面前神经质地站了近二十分钟看到了很多认识却被虚荣心瞧不起的人的新书最后买了一本连我自己也觉得不会看的介绍诺贝尔经济学家的书，还买了王菲的菲比寻常演唱会，三碟装25块两碟装DVD32块，就哪种版本我在收银台和货架间来回了三次，收钱的小姐很美丽，我把钱给她的时候心情很愉快，我看着她的脸突然觉得她是不是小学时每天和我一起回家的那个同学。

从书店出来的时候我几乎被一阵狂风吹倒，我夸张地大叫一声，以为自己快疯了。（在打字的时候我爸爸突然闯进来说鬼女儿，你说我哭一场好不好，我现在更加焦虑了）

然后我去家乐福买了一堆吃的，准备像从前那样坐一个三轮车回家一边看碟一边吃东西。结帐的时候我买了一把电动牙刷我面目表情地告诉收钱的钱不够了然后我退了我买的浪味仙--我从前很喜欢吃的一种膨化食品。

人在生活中的有时突然会产生一种永别的感觉，当我把那个浪味仙放到篮子外面的时候我觉得自己做了一个很有象征意义的动作，如果把它和告别什么时代联系起来一定不会过分。因为没有钱我没能坐三轮车回家我乘坐了一块钱一次的车。下车时我的情绪已经坏到极点。

然后就是吃东西听演唱会和接接很多人的电话。刘吟龙说，就是那些撮话，我立刻就知道他要说什么但是却不会说不过。我说谢谢，然后我内心很感激我和我的朋友有这种境界的默契。

天已经黑了，驰离开新加坡的时候我对她说在夜里离开一个城市感觉是好的。离开新的时候可以看到灯光中的城市和机场高速公路旁的棕榈树，很像我刚刚到那里的样子驰在新加坡呆了五年她说五年后这么离开的时候是什么心情只有自己才能够说得清楚。我的飞机是在凌晨，去机场的路上不会经过我深爱的江和桥，我认为这是好的至少对我来说不是完整的东西总有一个继续的理由。

就这么一路飞过去，和我爱的不爱的及2004告别，没有什么总结和展望有的只是焦虑--一个过失了却连我自己都无法弄清的感觉。就这么一路飞过去，在云上的地方可以开见很多星星。

我把心都闭上好比闭上眼睛

going back like all of us just came out for a trip to sentosa

2004-12-27T18:46:00.001-08:00

of the 3 years I have been in singapore, I have never stopped thinking about one question: If anyone comes from china for a visit, where should I take that person to?
Sentosa has always been my first choice.
frankly speaking,I know a lot people have been very scornful towards this almost featureless and attitude-less little island,and they label it with all kinds of epithets, the most well known is So Expensive N nothing TO See Also(note the capital initials),Typical singlish.
the funny thing is,I may have been vain during numerous occassions but I have never tried to hide my true feeling towards sentosa.I say,I think I like it.
after all, it is not just a lame effort put by the government of a tiny country as the last struggle for some natural sceneries, it is a triumph over limitations. Although my attitude towards singapore has been through a long time odyssy,I have since the begining, appreciated this point they have shown to me: turn all the disadvantages into advantages and challenge the limitations.
48 hours from now, I am going to star my another year's journey in that tropical island.and I have never been so calm and prepared.just like how I have felt for sentosa, my emotional attachment to singapore is becoming something similar to that.No matter how difficult it is for me forget how I used to despise this country and this contempt came with my previous dream, it all has become vague and intangible, like the dreams gone, comes with a deep sigh but a new sajourn.
I really wish but I am rid of is not my roughness but vainity.
let's go back folks, like the migrating birds, each year and each winter, for the embrace of the sunny weather, for sentosa, for singapore, and for our fate.
we are going back, like all of us just came out for a trip to sentosa.

going back like all of us just came out for a trip to sentosa

2004-12-27T18:46:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve and the sky is grey

2004-12-24T01:45:00.000-08:00

It's christmas eve and i am stuck at home because I have come to a consensus with my mum and a fortune teller who suggested that I should really watch out today.This is irritating coz I can't go out shopping or meeting my friends as we planned earlier on.I have to say that this holiday is the lousiest I have ever had,chongqing has been unprecedentedly cold and the city has changed too much for me to feel familiar, at lest not as strong as before.At certain points i even doubted if this emotional attachment could still be sustained after a few years or so.I completely have no mood to think about 2005.It is the motivation deep inside that I am trying to surpress coz the future scares me.I think i am too used to the tropical island now, though each year the returning seems an endlss waiting for me.It is now 6 days before i start another year's waiting, I don't know what awaits me ahead.When it comes to judgement or expectation,I tend to be passive.Christmas means nothing to me, Chinese new year means nothing either, this is life for a drifter who constantly suffers from bonding and detachment, over and over again.I am still waiting, that one day this sajour would be over,and like wat J.M.Coetzee said in"Youth",
In the end, no matter how unlikely, the girl with patchy hair will settle with the freckled guy.
every one of us, is going to find a partner, and stay with him or her,let everything else be accidental, be in love, and be happy

Me and Mrs Jones

2004-12-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

Me and Mrs. Jones,
we got a thing going on,
We both know that it's wrong But it's much too strong to let it cool down now.
We meet ev'ry day at the same cafe,
Six-thirty I know she'll be there,
Holding hands, making all kinds of plans While the jukebox plays our favorite song.
Me and Mrs., Mrs. Jones,
Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones,
Mrs. Jones got a thing going on, We both know that it's wrong,
But it's much too strong to let it cool down now.
We gotta be extra careful that we don't build our hopes too high Cause she's got her own obligations and so do I.
Me, me and Mrs.,
Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones,
Mrs. Jones got a thing going on,
We both know that it's wrong,
But it's much too strong to let it cool down now.
Well, it's time for us to be leaving,
It hurts so much, it hurts so much inside,
Now she'll go her way and I'll go mine,
But tomorrow we'll meet the same place, the same time.
Me and Mrs. Jones,
Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones.

going back on friday

2004-12-14T23:46:00.000-08:00

I just can't believe that once again, I am packing up and ready to go home.
last sunday I was busking with my choir at orchard road singing all kinds of christmas carols, and for several times, I was really on the verge of crying. It was not the childish homesickness that blurred my sights, but the true warmth brought by the mere thoughts of home that moved me.
once again, when i sang to the crowd:"for the holidays you can't beat home sweet home", I saw mothers rocking their babies in their arms and couples giving each other a sweet sqeeze, all of the sudden, in this tropical island where romance is severely inadequate, I felt a real snowy christmas like in the old movies.
I think I will be the luckies person in the world, long as ,sometime in a year, whenever i feel pain, I have a place called home to go. and whenever i land my feet on that land, i will fall in love with it, all over again.
merry christmas to all of you, my beloved ones.